This article was published in The American Journal, My Generation, September 2011 as "Sex, Chocolate, and Floss"
Sex and Chocolate
It’s not like we come with a UPC code tattooed to the bottoms of our feet when we are born giving us pertinent information about our lives. We are all in the same boat, getting from one day to the next, hardly having time to think about what the greater purpose of our lives are. If we only had those fat and skinny lines indelibly telling us where to go, what to do, when to do it, why we’re doing it, and how long we have to get it done?
A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to work with a group of senior volunteers. The focus of the class was self-care. As a seasoned hospice nurse, I wanted to discuss the end-of-life journey about which we usually have reservations. With a group of seniors, one would assume that the departure date (encrypted in our fictional UPC data) would be perhaps around the proverbial corner. Most of these volunteers were in their seventies with some in their eighties. They were quite an inspiration to me since I was just beginning to mill about in my sixties. The agency that hired me said that they wanted this to be an upbeat class and they did not want me to talk about dying.
I had a list of topics I wanted to present. I had to discard the list once the group was given permission to ask questions any time they had any. One of the things I learned from these elders was that life is short and time goes faster towards the end so if there is something you want you should go for it as soon as you can remember what it is that you want. Getting in touch with what we want and then remembering to ask for it can be challenging once you are over the hill sliding down on your backside.
I asked the group to talk about the ways they take care of themselves. We did not really get into the nitty-gritty details of how often to bathe or wash your hair, but we did talk about the importance of flossing and the study that showed that simply flossing every day is actually helpful in deterring Alzheimer’s Disease. We discussed volunteering being very important to self-esteem by being useful to others. We talked about reading, crocheting, golfing, gardening, cooking and other interests in the group. I also told them that chocolate, as long as it was dark and not mixed with milk, was actually full of antioxidants that help with our immune systems.
I had recently read an article in my Hospice and Palliative Care Journal that said that hospice nurses should be doing sex and intimacy assessments with both patients and caregivers. This concept was foreign to me though I admit a little titillating. However, the thought of going into the home of a terminally ill patient and stressed out and a grieving caregiver, and assessing their sex life seems a little out of place to me. Perhaps it was the influence of my gentile, southern grandmother teaching me the subtle proprieties of appropriate behavior. However, being a card-carrying member of the “free love” generation, I felt the tug of purpose yanking at my sleeve.
My senior group started slowing down with shouting out ways of caring for themselves, so I tentatively and with a lump in my throat suggested that having sex was a very important part of self-care. This simple statement brought these seniors to a crescendo of sharing. Their response was overwhelming in their forthrightness about talking about sex and intimacy. I was sorry I did not bring up this in the first five minutes. Had I done so, I probably could have sat back for the rest of the hour and let them talk about their escapades both recent and historical.
All I did, really was give them permission to talk about something that clearly they wanted to talk about and had not had the freedom to do so before. The floodgates opened and they were still talking about sex as they filed out the door to go to their next class. Of course it was my hope that at least some of them skipped their next class and went to their hotel rooms to practice being frisky!
One of the leaders of the non-profit organization that hired me to do this workshop, came up later that day and said that her seniors were all abuzz after their time with me. She wanted to confirm that I had actually told them that it was not only okay for them to have sex and eat chocolate but that it was actually good for them. Remembering the propriety lessons of my grandmother, I confessed to having done so and reiterated that this information is recommended by studies done by our scientific community. She mused thoughtfully as she wandered away with purpose in her gait, perhaps in search of a piece of chocolate.
Having this experience tucked away in my hospice backpack, I decided to venture into talking with hospice patients and loved ones about sex. I did it even before I visited a patient and her daughter. The daughter was hesitant about having hospice come in to visit her mother and expressed her protective attitude about not wanting to give up control with her mother’s care. I assured her that everything would be explained and that she would not be bound to anything and that she could revoke hospice any time she wanted.
“Are you going to talk about death all the time?” the daughter blurted after agreeing to the visit.
Without thinking, I laughed and said, “Not all the time. Sometimes I talk about politics, religion, and sex.”
The daughter laughed and said, “Sex? Neither of us has talked about sex in years.”
“Well, maybe it’s time we did,” I offered and we both shared in the laughter.
The interesting thing is that during my visit with this daughter caring for her mother, the daughter talked about how hard it was on her to care for her mother all these years and that it weighed on her relationships with friends. The topic of sex was not discussed at all, but I think the initial discussion on the phone gave her permission to talk about her own needs. Hospice is not just about taking care of patient needs, but about the needs of the loved ones.
Sex is only one form of intimacy. Touch is another form that is essential for health. There is no greater purpose in life than to touch others both physically and with our hearts. We do not need a UPC Code to know this. I think one of the nicest gifts you can give someone is a box of dark chocolate along with a heartfelt hug… and perhaps a roll of dental floss!
Sex and Chocolate
It’s not like we come with a UPC code tattooed to the bottoms of our feet when we are born giving us pertinent information about our lives. We are all in the same boat, getting from one day to the next, hardly having time to think about what the greater purpose of our lives are. If we only had those fat and skinny lines indelibly telling us where to go, what to do, when to do it, why we’re doing it, and how long we have to get it done?
A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to work with a group of senior volunteers. The focus of the class was self-care. As a seasoned hospice nurse, I wanted to discuss the end-of-life journey about which we usually have reservations. With a group of seniors, one would assume that the departure date (encrypted in our fictional UPC data) would be perhaps around the proverbial corner. Most of these volunteers were in their seventies with some in their eighties. They were quite an inspiration to me since I was just beginning to mill about in my sixties. The agency that hired me said that they wanted this to be an upbeat class and they did not want me to talk about dying.
I had a list of topics I wanted to present. I had to discard the list once the group was given permission to ask questions any time they had any. One of the things I learned from these elders was that life is short and time goes faster towards the end so if there is something you want you should go for it as soon as you can remember what it is that you want. Getting in touch with what we want and then remembering to ask for it can be challenging once you are over the hill sliding down on your backside.
I asked the group to talk about the ways they take care of themselves. We did not really get into the nitty-gritty details of how often to bathe or wash your hair, but we did talk about the importance of flossing and the study that showed that simply flossing every day is actually helpful in deterring Alzheimer’s Disease. We discussed volunteering being very important to self-esteem by being useful to others. We talked about reading, crocheting, golfing, gardening, cooking and other interests in the group. I also told them that chocolate, as long as it was dark and not mixed with milk, was actually full of antioxidants that help with our immune systems.
I had recently read an article in my Hospice and Palliative Care Journal that said that hospice nurses should be doing sex and intimacy assessments with both patients and caregivers. This concept was foreign to me though I admit a little titillating. However, the thought of going into the home of a terminally ill patient and stressed out and a grieving caregiver, and assessing their sex life seems a little out of place to me. Perhaps it was the influence of my gentile, southern grandmother teaching me the subtle proprieties of appropriate behavior. However, being a card-carrying member of the “free love” generation, I felt the tug of purpose yanking at my sleeve.
My senior group started slowing down with shouting out ways of caring for themselves, so I tentatively and with a lump in my throat suggested that having sex was a very important part of self-care. This simple statement brought these seniors to a crescendo of sharing. Their response was overwhelming in their forthrightness about talking about sex and intimacy. I was sorry I did not bring up this in the first five minutes. Had I done so, I probably could have sat back for the rest of the hour and let them talk about their escapades both recent and historical.
All I did, really was give them permission to talk about something that clearly they wanted to talk about and had not had the freedom to do so before. The floodgates opened and they were still talking about sex as they filed out the door to go to their next class. Of course it was my hope that at least some of them skipped their next class and went to their hotel rooms to practice being frisky!
One of the leaders of the non-profit organization that hired me to do this workshop, came up later that day and said that her seniors were all abuzz after their time with me. She wanted to confirm that I had actually told them that it was not only okay for them to have sex and eat chocolate but that it was actually good for them. Remembering the propriety lessons of my grandmother, I confessed to having done so and reiterated that this information is recommended by studies done by our scientific community. She mused thoughtfully as she wandered away with purpose in her gait, perhaps in search of a piece of chocolate.
Having this experience tucked away in my hospice backpack, I decided to venture into talking with hospice patients and loved ones about sex. I did it even before I visited a patient and her daughter. The daughter was hesitant about having hospice come in to visit her mother and expressed her protective attitude about not wanting to give up control with her mother’s care. I assured her that everything would be explained and that she would not be bound to anything and that she could revoke hospice any time she wanted.
“Are you going to talk about death all the time?” the daughter blurted after agreeing to the visit.
Without thinking, I laughed and said, “Not all the time. Sometimes I talk about politics, religion, and sex.”
The daughter laughed and said, “Sex? Neither of us has talked about sex in years.”
“Well, maybe it’s time we did,” I offered and we both shared in the laughter.
The interesting thing is that during my visit with this daughter caring for her mother, the daughter talked about how hard it was on her to care for her mother all these years and that it weighed on her relationships with friends. The topic of sex was not discussed at all, but I think the initial discussion on the phone gave her permission to talk about her own needs. Hospice is not just about taking care of patient needs, but about the needs of the loved ones.
Sex is only one form of intimacy. Touch is another form that is essential for health. There is no greater purpose in life than to touch others both physically and with our hearts. We do not need a UPC Code to know this. I think one of the nicest gifts you can give someone is a box of dark chocolate along with a heartfelt hug… and perhaps a roll of dental floss!